blackholesandrevelations

Entry tags:

aeryn sun,
oom

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He'd put this off for far too long. Everytime he spoke to Sarah, he promised her that he'd talk to Aeryn. Hell, he'd told Atton Fucking Rand before he'd told Aeryn. And it shouldn't have been such a big deal.

The door was back. He was going to go through it. The end.

But it was so much more than that. He didn't want to leave Aeryn. He didn't want to hurt her and he didn't want to die, leaving her to become that...shell of a person she'd once been.

He sat on the edge of his--their--bed, running a hand over his eyes. He'd tell her when she came back to their room.

At least he'd try to.

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She clumped in like she always did, noisy, sated from the exercise of her morning run. Her boots were tossed in the corner before she even bothered to greet him, pressing her sweat-soaked cheek to his in a badly aimed kiss.

"The exercise would have done you good."

It was a long-standing process between them. She woke at the crack of dawn - no matter how late he kept her up - and went for a jog. He grunted his disapproval and burrowed further into the covers like a newly-woken beast. She never managed to get him to come with her.

He absent mindedly kissed her cheek back as she came in, bustling about. He watched her for a moment before reaching for her. "I need to tell you something."

The seriousness of his tone stopped her instantly, defensiveness causing her to remain out of his reach. Her arms automatically folded over her chest and Aeryn knew that she didn't want to hear whatever he had to say.

"Make it fast. I have time in the simulators scheduled in half an arn."

"Well then, maybe you better raincheck with the sims, Aeryn." John looked up at her, rubbing his chin for a moment. He hadn't shaved yet and was stubbly. It was mildly itchy.

"I don't want to have a time limit on what I have to say."

"Alright." Simply said, her knuckles whitening from the tightness of their grip.

In battle, you never know which side is winning and which is losing. There's just an endless parade of bodies. Kill this one, move onto the next. Don't think, don't pause...don't die. But there was a sense. Something you felt twisting deep in your gut. It warned you that the crucial blow was just about to come, dodge left, dodge right...stay alive.

Something like that feeling uncurled in her belly now and she found herself wetting overly-dry lips so that she could speak.

"What is it, John?"

"The door is back." He said, standing and shoving his hands in his pockets, moving around the room. "The door is back, has been for a while. I just...didn't want to tell you."

He glanced at her. "I'm sorry. That I didn't tell you sooner."

"Didn't want to tell me." She echoed the words pointlessly. Her voice was flat and her eyes remained fixed on him. What did apologies mean, when the one thing that mattered had to die?

"John...you...I..." She sighed, rolling her shoulders; blinked heavy eyelids and attempted to master the negative thoughts coursing through her mind.

"Why are you telling me now?"

"Because you need to know. Because I'm going to go through that door, Aeryn. I can't lie to you, you know that. I can't stay here forever." His eyes searched hers for a moment, before looking away, either not finding what he was looking for, or not liking what he did find.

What he found was utter blankness. Like all the dead parts of her formed one big wall and placed themselves in front of the windows to her soul.

"You said you'd stay. As long as I wanted, you said." The accusations rung hollow.

People said a lot of things. She knew from experience that it was action that was important.

"I also promised I'd stay forever and you told me not to lie to you." John pointed out. "I'm not leaving yet. I won't leave as long as you keep looking at me like that."

He gestured at her before sighing and turning away.

"I won't let you." Even if she did close her eyes. She didn't want him to speak in a voice filled with pain; hurt that she'd caused him with her empty eyes. Three sure-steps to where her boots lay in the corner and she propped them upright; at least she could fix that mess.

Distance was good. Part of her thought that was all they really needed, some distance. Some time to work things out. Foolish. No matter where she went, he would always be going to his doom.

"We said we'd figure this out, together."

He moved to his desk, littered with papers with equations and doodles of stick figure Harvies and Scorpies and doodles of Aeryn and himself, just little things that he does to keep from going completely mad.

"How do you cheat death, Aeryn?" He asked softly, his hand stilling on the papers. "We know how you did that, but she's gone now...and even if she's here, she won't be able to save me."

"I'll save you."

Aeryn strode across the room to curl her fingers hard around his wrist; the tears in her eyes a complete contrast to the harsh determination of that grip. She didn't want to bruise him, just hold on and never let go.

"This time I will save you." Please believe me.

His smile was almost sad as he cupped her cheek with his other hand. She already had, so many times. "Okay."

He believed her.

She moved in, breathed in, mouth sliding across his cheek to rest at his ear.

"I can't lose you again, John Crichton." Her hand loosened, releasing it's hold on his wrist. It slipped down to tangle their fingers together;

we don't have to be brave alone anymore

.

It had been a mistake to see her connection with him as a weakness.

He pulled away just enough to turn her head and kiss her deeply. "You won't," he murmured against her lips, believing every word.

She wouldn't. He couldn't lose her either.

She gave into the kiss for only a microt, letting his tongue wash away any of the doubts and most of the fear. It's a pity that she couldn't allow him to kiss her into silence. She couldn't take him to bed and pretend he'd still be there when she woke up.

She pulled back, drawing her arms back to herself and leaving him to stand without her support.

"So what do we do?"

He stepped back, shaking his head. "I don't know. I mean...you can't come back with me, can you? I'm in your past and..."

He drifted off and shrugged. "I don't know."

"No." She said, though her expression told a different story; carefully shuttered. She wasn't going to let him die.

First thing in the morning and she felt exhausted already, like all the fight had been drained from her. She had to fight. Aeryn pressed the heels of her palms to her eyes, as if that could stop the impending headache.

"When are you going?"

He didn't know. "Not...this week. I have people to say goodbye to."

In case something goes wrong. And he never gets to see them again.

A soldier could always tell. How many times had she seen people do the same, set their affairs in order - 'you can have my bunk when I'm gone!' - make a joke out of it and pretend they weren't going on a suicide mission.

"Don't. Don't say goodbye. If you go, just go. They don't need to worry about you."

It's selfish, she thought. How he could just leave and expect everyone else to pick up the pieces.

"Yeah, but I need to say goodbye, Aeryn." He shook his head. "I need it. Let me have that, okay?"

"John...you can't--" This is so much harder than I ever thought it would be. All she had to do was shut up and stick to the plan. He couldn't do this to her again. She was going after him and he would be saved; like it or not.

"--whatever you think is best."

He has to. Just in case.

He nodded. "Yeah, I do think it's best. Just in case, Aeryn."

"Alright." Her eyes were narrowed almost to slits. Not angry, not sad. She could be a fighter through-and-through when she needed to be.

"It's your decision."

"Okay, I think we've beaten that to a pulp." John muttered, running his hand over his face. "Aeryn."

He didn't say anything else, just looked at her. Pleading for her to talk to him. At least tell him it'd be okay.

"Over it with a tooth comb?" She suggested quietly, with none of her usual amusement at his earth expressions.

She wasn't going to be that woman. If he expected false hope, he was in the wrong place, with the wrong woman. She only lied to herself. And today she didn't feel like making it easier for him to walk away and leave her, again.

He growled, striding over to their bed and flopping down on it, like a sulky teenager. He rubbed his eyes and shook his head. "You want me to believe it'll be okay, right, Aeryn? You want me to believe you can save me, and frell, Aeryn, I do."

He looked up at her, eyes pleading. "So please. Come here."

Maybe the problem was, she didn't quiet believe it. Even if she had to, even if she drew all her determination to bear. Part of her knew, you couldn't fight the thing John called 'Fate'.

Frell, when had she ever let her destiny be decided by anything other than her own two hands.

"Alright." She sat quietly next to him, careful not to rock the bed.

She let her destiny be decided by Fate the moment he had her hands and told her you could be more.

He slung an arm around her shoulder, pressing his nose into her hair, breathing her in, slow and yearning. "Just...whatever happens Aeryn. It's not your fault. It will never be your fault."

She would disagree. At least until the questions started; an interrogation of her own motives by her own brain. If it hadn't been for Velorek, would she have been ready then? Somewhere out there, was there a world where an Aeryn Sun faced her execution, head held high? Did the John there ever think of her...regret it? It was a pointless subject to consider, so she stopped.

"Not my fault." She murmured through gritted teeth and a too-tense jawline. She wanted nothing more than to relax into that embrace.

It wasn't her fault, it was her responsibility; she frelled up at protecting him.

"Oh yeah." He laughed, bitterly, dropping a kiss to her hairline. "I definitely believe you with that tone of voice."

He pulled back to look at her. "You know, if I died tomorrow, I'd be happy with what I've done. I met a new world, and yeah, maybe I frelled everyone's lives up, but I made friends that are incredible in ways my friends back home never were. I have you...and that single thing makes my life incredible."

He laughed again, but this time, almost embarrassedly. "I sound like some cheesy soap opera. Ugh."

"I wouldn't." If he died tomorrow, he would think of all the things he had accomplished. She would think how none of it meant a damn thing if he wasn't there to appreciate it.

"I never understand you..." She hesitated, letting out the sigh she'd been holding, leaning her forehead against his cheek. "-- I love you. Don't think death is alright. It isn't."

"I don't." He said, turning his head to catch her forehead in a quick kiss. "I just don't want you to be..that woman again. She wasn't my Aeryn."

She froze, all her muscles clenching up. It hurt, to have...how she was, thrown back at her like that. Like he thought it was his fault.

"Then don't die." If they could agree on one thing, it was that.

"I'll try not to." He pulled back from her, rubbing his eye again.

This was getting them no where.

It never got them anywhere, did it? Perhaps they were even better off before when one of them would always leave.

She couldn't this time. She wanted to announce that she was going out, scoop up her boots from the corner and not return until dusk. She wouldn't. Instead she'd stick to him like a silent shadow, watch over him. This time she'd save him.

"Let's get dinner. Or..." He groaned slightly, rubbing his hand over his eyes. He didn't know what else.

"Dinner." She agreed, taking his hand from his eyes and wrapping her own calloused fingers around it.

They both needed a break.

"You can introduce me to all the fahrbot Erp foods I missed out on."

"I've made you eat pizza, haven't I?" John grinned suddenly, squeezing her hand. "What about steak and 'tatoes?"

"That was last monen." Aeryn reminded him with a long-suffering sigh. And together they walked into the bar.

They would weather the storm like they always did.

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